The Colbert Report/Episode/521
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In IF A CHECK-IN OCCURS, SUMMARIZE IT HERE, OTHERWISE DELETE SECTION Intro Beer Pong Herpes * Dr. Colbert bravely opened tonight's program by addressing rumors about he and Eleanor Holmes Norton ** he wants to make it clear they are just friends enemies * after putting that nasty topic in the past, Dr. Colbert brought up the topic of Beer Pong ** health officials have discovered that participants were sharing cups and mono and the flu and herpes *** Beer Pong is all fun and games until someone gets herpes, then a new game begins called, "Who Gave Me Herpes?" * Dr. Colbert has always suspected there was a link between playing beer pong and getting herpes ** but he didn't know it could happen during the game * this raises an obvious question: ** who's fucking our ping pong balls? (turns out no one) * it appears no one is; the CDC says the story is a hoax * the story began on a humor website ** a college newspaper caught it *** a television news station picked it up **** which spread to another television news station that was cruising for stories without protection ***** a third station that was going down in the ratings also acquired it * contagious stories such as these are why smart newspaper boys use plastic bags * the real tragedy was that this story/rumor outbreak was a blow to Stephen's friendly friends at Fox and Friends, who gave it the coverage it deserved ... had it been real ** The Black-Haired Guy Who Isn't Steve Doocy saved Gretchen from drinking from the cup because he has bacteria on his ball *** Dan Rather used that very phrase ("bacteria on my ball") when he signed off in 1985 * this incident may put into question the credibility of the other investigations conducted by Fox, such as: ** designer babies ** cell phones found in cod * the CDC refutation of a story based on a rumor of which they were the source angers Dr. Colbert ** he worries that his editorial policy of blindly reporting as news anything he reads on The Web * Dr. Colbert still stands by his forecast from six months ago of Chocolate Rain * He is not, not, not giving up on this story ** His Mob believes in him! * Beer Pong gives you herpes; ping pong gives you crabs! ** Dr. Colbert recommends putting a raincoat on your ping pong paddle Obama's Healthcare Team * Obama picked the team that will implement his healthcare plan for the uninsured: ** Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius as Secretary of Health and Human Services and ** Tennessee health official, Nancy-Ann DeParle as healthcare czar *** they were obviously picked because "sebelius" sounds like a disease and "deparle" sounds like the cure * originally the job was going to go to Tom Daschle, but Obama soon realized that he would need two people to do the job: # to oversee healthcare # to not pay taxes * Dr. Colbert wanted the job to go to House ** the administration had reached its quota of rude, physically challenged ego-maniacs when it hired Rahm Emanuel * Obama says he will pay for this plan by (surprise!) ** raising taxes on people making more than $250,000 / year * Dr. Colbert sees a silver lining in Obama's unfair plan against the rich ** Tonight's Word: Share The Wealth * Dr. Colbert has never been a fan of socialism ** as a kindergartner, he refused to share his toys (to pay for universal cooties care) * Stephen especially distrusts socialised medicine ** he shares his healthcare with the poor the same way he donates to UNICEF: by coughing on them * Stephen answers critics who compare the $ 100 billion on healthcare with the $10 trillion spent on the bank bailout by saying: ** with the bank bailout we get something in return (Bullet Point believes what we get in return is "screwed") ** Stephen says we will get: *** credit markets will loosen *** we will get oversight *** equity in the companies (e.g.: we now own 36% of Citibank) * this is an example of Nationalization ** when we use our money to keep the banks alive * if we are keeping our money to keep the poor alive, Stephen believes it's only right that we also nationalize the poor ** which means we should get oversight *** we get to dictate what they eat, how much they exercise and limit any risky behaviors they engage in--like beer pong--which as everyone now knows (thanks to Fox & Friends) gives you herpes (or "Doocys") * the most important thing is that we have equity ** healthcare must not be a giveaway * Obama calls healthcare "the largest investment ever" ** which makes Dr. Colbert a shareholder, who has the rights to liquidate his assets, which he will accept in the form of new livers--because the new tax policy is driving him to drink *** he is certain he'll need other organs as well, because he hasn't stopped driving * if Dr. Colbert's plan works he will be able to answer his critics who say he is heartless, because he will have all the hearts he needs * it will be a deal with the poor: we share the wealth, they share health * in regards to the "grossly" "mismanaged" banks, that are dragging the world economy down in flames, Dr. Colbert politely asks if there is anything they need Guns For Roses * everyone knows that Dr. Colbert is a proud son of South Carolina * Columbia, South Carolina police announced a program, called "Guns for Roses," where they exchange Constitutionally protected firearms for a rose * Dr. Colbert is disturbed by this news ** if he keeps his gun he can get as many free roses as he wants *** along with a box of chocolates and a hostage (which ladies love) ** the people who turned in their guns were: *** "young and old, men and women" * leaving middle-aged hermaphrodites as the only people packing heat in South Carolina ** in more ways that one * Dr. Colbert doesn't like the idea of having all those roses with all those thorns on the street ** he's concerned about the kids * But, most importantly, if Dr. Colbert gives away his gun to get a rose, who will he give the rose to? * Dr. Colbert pulls both Sweetness and a rose from The C-Desk ** he wishes Sweetness a happy belated Valentines Day ** Dr. Colbert had to turn down Sweetness' offer of a kiss because it seemed to be a bit PDA for his tastes The Colbert Module * Dr. Colbert's favorite endless, empty void is outer space (he loves it) ** sorry Glenn Beck * NASA is conducting an online survey to name their new space module, offering the following names for a vote: ** Earthrise ** Legacy ** Serenity ** Venture * Dr. Colbert doesn't approve of these suggestions as they are not names for space modules ** they're names for organic teas * NASA also provided a way for people to suggest their own names ** currently the top suggestion is "Xenu" *** making the module part laboratory-part celebrity center, helping America to learn the effects of zero-gravity on Jenna Elfman * But, Dr. Colbert had his own suggestion: COLBERT! * he then placed America on Code Alpha Sierra ** which officially mobilizes The Colbert Nation to name the module after himself! * It already owes Dr. Colbert ** he gave it The Colbert Bump when he talked to astronaut Garrett Reisman when he was floating up there (which made it the number one space station in orbit) ** plus, video game designer Richard Garriott brought Stephen's DNA up there and--following the Breakroom Donuts Corollary--once your DNA is on something, it's yours * Details for Code Alpha-Sierra: ** go to ColbertNation.com ** click on the link to the NASA website ** select "Suggest Your Own" ** and type in the word "COLBERT"! ** hurry, voting ends March 20, 2009! * The Colbert Interstellar Motto: :"In space, you can still hear me scream!" Interview * Mark Bittman ** book: "Food Matters: A Guide to Conscious Eating with More Than 75 Recipes" **has written a guide to conscious eating, Dr. Colbert asks why he doesn't write one on conscious breathing? * his book implies that Dr. Colbert could be eating while unconscious * before getting into bed, Dr. Colbert likes to dip a little bit of bacon, so that he can have the flavor while he's sleeping ** just a pinch between his cheek and gum and he can enjoy the full bacon flavor without lighting up * Bittman says people eat without thinking ** Dr. Colbert reminds him that we're so good at it, it's natural * Bittman says that there is twice as much food as we need to sustain ourselves in the U.S. ** he claims that Americans feel compelled to eat all of it * he describes the way Americans eat as: ** we eat without thinking about what's good for ourselves ** we eat without thinking about what's good for our planet * Dr. Colbert is conscious of one thing regarding his eating: ** he likes to eat things that were once conscious ** he would dig into a head of broccoli, but only if it could cry * Bittman says while writing his book, he changed his diet 60-70% (not completely) * he claims of the three pounds of food that every American eats every: ** about one half a pound of it is meat ** and a pound and a half of it is other animal products ** the remainder is mostly processed food or junk food * he says he is a vegan until 6 p.m. ** after that, anything goes ** may only be true for food * Bittman claimed that serving a family of four a steak dinner uses the same amount of energy as having that family drive around in an SUV for three hours while every light is on in their house ** Dr. Colbert wondered if the family was cooking the steak in petroleum ** and if he could do both because he likes to eat while he drives *** Bittman conceded that driving a Prius and eating a steak dinner might be possible * Bittman says that the UN says that 1/6th to 1/5th of all greenhouse gases come from industrial livestock production (or Robot Cows) ** America turns out 10 billion widget-cows every year (which comes to approximately 30 animals per person per year) * eating three fewer cheeseburgers every week would be equivalent to taking all the SUVs off the road ** because Americans would finally be skinny enough to fit back into regular-sized cars * the book does not have a chart to show what is equivalent to a cheeseburger * we could be healthier * help the environment * reduce global warming * Bittman was unable to tell Dr. Colbert what the one thing he should eat would be, so they decided to discuss i next time Epilogue * Dr. Colbert wants to catch those just tuning in: ** the murder was Derrick! * Before wishing The Heroes a good night, Stephen promised that the rest of the story will be written in due time Gallery This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here Image:StephenFox&Friends3-3-2009.jpg Image:Fox&FriendsBeerPong.jpg Image:WORDShareTheWealth3-3-2009.jpg Image:SweetnessRose.jpg Image:NASAOrganicTea.jpg Image:NASANode3COLBERT.jpg Image:SpaceModuleColbert.jpg Image:MBittmanSColbert3-3-2009.jpg Image:WhatDidTheSteakDo?.jpg Image:StephenLikesRobotCows.jpg Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments